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Maybe you’ll be brave enough to buy my novel. Whatever happens, I hope you enjoy ‘Vincent'.

https://viewauthor.at/AaronDavid

Vincent.

Aaron David. 2016.

Vincent was a misfit; he stood 5’2” fully erect, he was rather overweight and his scalp clung on grimly to what little hair he had left. Nature hadn’t dealt him a good hand but he’d played it well and was quite a successful engineer. He sat at the table by the door of the coffee shop. It was draughty and most customers sat elsewhere, allowing him the privacy he desired. He nervously tapped the plastic spoon on his cup as his eyes darted up and down the street outside. The door swung open causing a wintery draught. A short, plump, spotty man invited himself to sit at Vincent’s table and glowered at him.

“Well?” The man asked.

“Well what?”

“How’s it gone? You’ve been here for five orbits; what are your conclusions?

“I like them.” Vincent answered bashfully.

“You weren’t sent here to like them; you were sent here to study, reconnoitre, to pave the way for our Invasion.”

“I’m not sure if we should, it doesn’t seem right.”

“Right? What’s right or wrong is none of your business, we need another planet and this one’s ideal.”

“But they’re such a decent species; sure, they can be petty and ridiculous but they’re capable of greatness and beauty. A few too many religions in my view.”

“They have several religions? But there can be and is only one Kaku.”

“For he is with us, always.” They both said in perfect unison.

“Couldn’t we let them live and find another planet?”

“Are you kidding? It took us thousands of orbits to find this One!”

“But we’re the same species, we may have evolved trillions of light-years apart but anatomically we’re the same.”

“Anatomically yes, but intellectually and technologically we’re a hundred thousand years more advanced. Think of them as the apes we test cosmetics on back home.”

“Do we really have to enslave them?”

“No; what do they taste like?”

“WHAT?”

“If they’re useful we use them, if they taste good we farm them.”

“It just seems unfair.”

“Oh did widdle Vincent fall in wuv wiv da widdle hoomans?” Clarence mocked. “If you love them so much why don’t you marry one?”

“I did.”

“WHAT?”

“She’s called Nancy; we’re expecting a baby next week.”

“Oh for Kaku’s sake! Why does this keep happening? We send you down, telling you to ‘infiltrate not integrate’, you can’t keep your nangee in your pants and go and join them! Danny Devito, Ron Jeremy, Bill Gates, Charlie Drake, Rick Moranis, Vladimir Putin, George Formby, it’s always the same. If it weren’t for our success in North Korea we’d have got nowhere at all! We’re taking this planet whether you like it or not. There are enough here who were able to control their nangees to carry out the invasion. Time to choose a side mister; if you’re not with us, you’re against us.” Clarence stood up and exited the coffee shop, leaving Vincent visibly perturbed. He drained his cup and walked slowly out into the street. Deep in thought, his journey home took twice as long as it would normally. He entered his apartment and Nancy greeted him with a smile and a kiss, as she always did.

“Good day at work?” She asked, cradling her baby bump.

“Yeah... we need to talk.”

“About what?” She shook her head from side to side violently. “Sorry; I’ve had this song in my head all day and I can’t get rid of it.”

“Which song?”

“Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.”

“It’s an earworm!”

“Damned right it is!”

“No, it’s a cybug; they’re using it to scan your mind.”

“They? Who?”

“I’ll explain after; pinch your nose closed and take a deep breath.”

“Like popping my ears on a plane?”

“Yes exactly.”

Nancy did as she was told, her face went red then she released her breath and grinned. “It’s gone! Well done you.” She hugged him and kissed him again.

“Thank Kaku.” Vincent muttered inaudibly.

“Where did you learn that trick?” Said Nancy, huffing and puffing, still cradling her baby bump.

“Basic training.”

“Really? I didn’t know you were in the Army.”

“I... wasn’t... exactly. Sit down, there’s something I need to tell you...”

Vincent explained that he was from a solar system on the other side of the Milky Way, how his species had colonised their own system before reaching out into others, how they’d pillaged resources, leaving whole planets as burnt out husks and how they were going to do the same to Earth.

“That’s why I had to remove the earworm; if left in, they spread an electronic virus into the brain causing you to become a servile vegetable.”

“Then what?”

“I dunno; become a traffic warden or something.”

So if you’re an alien, why do you look so human? How did I get pregnant?”

“Don’t you remember? United won three-nil and we got drunk celebrating and...”

“No, I know how but you’re a different species.”

“Anatomically we’re identical; we just evolved independently. The human model is very widely replicated throughout the universe.”

“Is my baby gonna be a little green man?”

“Who came up with that? Why would we be green? You’re not green; there aren’t even any green mammals.”

“There’s the sloth.”

“Technically they aren’t green, it’s just algae.”

“You always have a ‘technically’ answer don’t you?”

“That’s because I know most of the answers.”

“Yeah, you’re a bloody encyclopaedia!”

“Look, this isn’t helping; the invasion is about to begin.”

“You’re right, let’s rush to the Tardis.”

“Stop it! You need to keep safe; protect our baby.”

“What about you?”

“I can’t stay with you; they’ll come for me first. If they catch me with a human and I’m not in the process of killing you they’ll kill me then you.”

“We can hide.”

“No good; I’m chipped.”

“Like a dog?”

“Yes; exactly. You need to go somewhere remote, with hardly any people but some; people you can trust.”

“Like my auntie’s farm?”

“Perfect! Stay away from strangers; they could be... us.”

“How will I know?”

“We’re quite short... oh and we can’t do maths.”

“What?”

“Maths is a human abstract idea; a way of representing reality in numerical form. We don’t do it.”

“But you’re brilliant at maths.”

“I’ve been among humans for five years; I had to pick it up.”

Nancy heard an odd sound and ran to the window.

“What’s that?” She asked, gazing at the oval shaped object in the clear blue sky.

“Oh my Kaku! They’re here!”

Vincent dragged Nancy to the A-Z map, pinned on the wall.

“Show me where your auntie’s house is.”

“R7.”

“Arse heaven?”

“R7; down there.” She pointed

“You go; take the car and stick to back streets if you can.”

“Where will you go?”

“I’ll stay here; maybe I can draw their fire and save a few humans. If it’s safe I’ll meet you at your auntie’s house.”

“Vincent, don’t be a hero, don’t be a fool with your life.”

“Paper Lace; very nice. Now get out of here!”

They kissed and hugged each other tightly. As Nancy stepped out of the door she stopped and looked at him.

“Keep your pretty head low.”

“Get out! GO!”

Nancy had taken to using the lift due to her breathlessness. She thought it might be wise to take the stairs, in case the invasion caused a power cut but looking down the stairwell she decided to risk the lift. She stood alone as the floors swished upwards past the door.

Vincent watched intently as more oval shaped objects appeared in the sky; five, ten, fifty, the number grew and eventually they all descended as one. Panic gripped the city, main roads and streets became gridlocked as people abandoned their cars and ran for cover. Vincent grabbed his phone, tore the map off the wall and ran out to the lift. It wasn’t working. He ran, more slid down the stairs, clearing three steps with each stride. When he arrived in the lobby it was deserted, thankfully. He looked out of the glass doors; there was moderate bedlam and limited carnage. He darted out and straight into the back street, attempting to be equally quick, quiet and stealthy. Within twenty minutes he’d reached the suburbs, near the ring road. He knew he was a green blip on several screens, maybe they were under resourced, maybe he wasn’t a priority but he was amazed he’d reached so far without being spotted, chased or caught. He went down a cinder track leading to some allotments. Taking cover in a clump of laburnum trees, he phoned Nancy.

“Hiya. I didn’t want to phone in case you were hiding.” Nancy answered.

“I’m OK, I’ve made it to the ring road. Where are you? Have you made it to your auntie’s?”

“I’m in the lift.”

“Which lift?”

“Our lift; the one in our block of flats.”

“What?”

“It stopped two floors down.”

“Can’t you get out?”

“Well yes but wouldn’t you know it? I left my eight foot long tin-opener at home.”

Vincent thought silently for a moment.

“Vince? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m thinking.”

“I could try to climb out of the hatch in the roof.”

“No, no best not; not in your condition.”

“I’m not ill, I’m pregnant.”

“I know but we don’t want anything to... you know...”

“I know.”

“Besides, you’re probably in a safe place.”

“Safe?”

“Yes; they can’t get to you.”

“Of course! I’ll give birth, biting through the umbilical cord. My cub and I can make a nest, eating cockroaches and drinking spider p*ss. It’s a six foot square metal box.”

“Not permanently; just until the armed forces can stop the invasion.”

“You think they can?”

“I hope so... for all our sakes I hope so. We’d better hang up; neither of us has a charger.”

“OK. Love you.”

“Love you too. Better if we text from now on.”

“OK.”

Vincent unfolded the map. The farm was about two miles away as the crow flies, but around four miles by road. He decided to go cross-country.

“What’s going on?” Prime Minister Anstis asked, wearing his sternest face.

“We’re making some headway sir.” Nobby Gittins, the Chief of the Defence Staff replied.

“Why didn’t the boffins warn us about this? How could they just appear like that?”

“They were in small craft sir; they could have been mistaken for flocks of birds or just missed altogether. Once they were within striking distance they dropped like a ton of bricks and commenced the occupation. They had the advantage of surprise but as you know, we have the best army in the world.”

“The world maybe, but are they the best in the universe?”

“I have the utmost confidence sir. We’ll soon be kicking little green arse.”

Gittins’ mobile phone rang.

“Yes?..... Really? Excellent.; bring it to HQ.” He hung up with a broad grin on his face. “We’ve got one sir.”

“One what?”

“An alien; we’ve captured one.”

“NO SH*T? Really?”

“Yes sir; it’s alive and apparently it speaks English.”

“What does it look like?”

“No idea sir; I’m more concerned with what it has to say than how it looks.”

“Can I see it?”

They’re bringing it here; you’ll be able to interrogate it.”

“Holy f*cking sh*t!”

“Indeed sir.”

Orit lay motionless on the trolley in the ambulance. He didn’t really have a choice since he was strapped down securely. He wasn’t a warrior by nature; by nature he was a quantity surveyor but his amphetamine addiction had caused problems and he’d had to take whatever job he could. So here he was; captured, cannulated and under undignified scrutiny. Paramedics were carrying out all kinds of tests as the ambulance ran every red light it encountered.

There was an unexpected knock at the farmhouse door. Barbara and Eric looked at each other with that ‘who’s that?’ expression. Eric went and opened the door.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Eric. Sorry to drop in unannounced.”

“Who are you?” Eric asked as Barbara joined him.

“It’s Vincent isn’t it?” Barbara interrupted.

“Vincent?” Eric asked Barbara.

“Yes, it is.” Vincent sighed with relief.

“Nancy’s husband; we went to the wedding.”

“Did we?” Said Eric, scratching his head, sitcom Dad style.

“Come in Vincent, nice to see you. Is Nancy with you?” Said Barbara.

Vincent entered the house, glancing at the sky through the windows.

“Erm, no..... She’s err... there’s something going on; perhaps you haven’t heard.”

“Oh we’re the last to hear anything out here. We’ve only just bought a DVD player.”

She and Eric laughed together. Vincent switched on the 24” CRT television.

“Sorry but I have to put the news on.”

“I’ll just put the kettle on.” Barbara said as she gently guided Eric to the kitchen.

“He’s acting weird.” She whispered.

“I said he was weird at the wedding! He had no family there.”

“What if he’s killed Nancy?”

“Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know; why would he wear that jumper?” They both craned around the doorway to look at Vincent’s hideous apparel.

“You’re right; you’d have to be mentally unwell to wear that.”

Gittins and Prime Minister Anstis stood side by side in the basement car park of the secret military HQ. Anstis was virtually panting with infantile excitement.

The ambulance entered and was expertly parked. Two men and a woman, all wearing white coats, alighted from the back door. The woman approached the Prime Minister while the men pulled the trolley out with Orit still strapped in.

“The captive sir; we’ve been running tests in transit. In all anatomical aspects he’s human, even his DNA is human but with one exception.”

“What’s that?” Anstis asked.

“You know DNA is made up of four elements; G, A, C and T?”

“Erm, yes of course.” He lied.

“His has a ‘P’ in it.”

“Oh.”

“No, a ‘P’.”

“Meaning?”

“Nothing relevant, it’s just different.”

Anstis didn’t reply, he was transfixed by the sight of Orit, looking up at him from his enforced, reclining position.

“HELLLLLOOOO.” Anstis widely mouthed unnecessarily.

Orit looked quizzically at Gittins. “Is he OK?”

“Yes, he’s the Prime Minister.”

“Oh, OK.” Orit looked back at Anstis.”Hello.”

“DOOOO YOOOOOU SPEEEEAK EEEENGLIIIISH?”

“YEEEEES, DOOOO YOOOOU?”

“WHEEEERE AAAARE YOOOOU FROOOOM?”

“LUUUUTON>”

“Luton?”

“Yes.”

“Planet Luton?”

“Bedfordshire; there’s a well known airport there.”

“Who is your leader?”

“You are I suppose.”

“I mean who do you answer to?”

“Anyone who phones me.”

Anstis turned to the woman. “This bloke’s human!”

“Yes, I already said that.”

“He’s from Luton!”

“Yes, but he wasn’t born there; he’s an alien. He was planted here a few years ago to infiltrate and report back to the invaders.”

“Anstis turned back to Orit.

“Why didn’t you say that?”

“You didn’t ask.”

“What are your plans?”

“Getting off this bloody trolley would be my immediate aim.”

“What are the intentions of your species?”

“Oh that? We intend to take over your planet.”

Anstis was taken aback by Orit’s candour.

“What will happen to us?”

“You will be enslaved, farmed or annihilated.”

“You know we’ll fight back?”

“Oh of course; they all do.”

“All?”

“We’ve taken over dozens of planets; all of the inhabitants fought back but we always win.”

Anstis thought deeply for a moment.

“Take him away.” He commanded the two men in white coats.

Barbara watched Vincent from the kitchen doorway while Eric searched the drawers for weapons. He joined her by the door.

“I’ve found these.” He whispered.

Nancy surveyed the large breadknife and cheese grater he held.

“A cheese grater? What bloody use is a cheese grater?”

“I’ve had some very nasty cuts from this cheese grater.”

“Really; why don’t we just arm ourselves with sheets of paper? Paper cuts are the worst kind of cuts. Idiot! You have the grater; I’ll have the knife.”

Before they could plan their attack, Vincent sprang up from the couch and ran to the window. British army tanks and military vehicles were approaching over the fields.

“They’re here!” Vincent shouted.

Hiding the knife up her cardigan sleeve, Barbara approached the window.

“What’s the army doing here?”

“It’s not the army; it’s them!”

“Them?”

“Earth is being invaded. You two hide; I’ll give myself up and tell them the house is empty. There’s a slim chance you might survive.”

“Here, you might need this.” Barbara offered the knife but Vincent was already running towards the closest tank. He explained that he was ‘one of them’ and that the house was empty. He was bundled into an armoured car and driven away. The military vehicles moved on and blew up the house.

Two and a half hours later he was frogmarched into a police station holding cell and left there alone. He pulled out his phone and texted Nancy; ‘R U O K’. He waited five minutes; no reply. He phoned her; it rang six times then went to voicemail. The door was unlocked and Clarence walked in. Four guards stood outside the door.

“Hello Vincent.” Clarence smiled. “It’s all but over.”

“Over?”

“Most of them have been captured or killed; just South Africa and a few bits of Asia to finish off.”

“You must be very pleased with yourself.”

“Yes, I must be.” He smiled again. “Once it’s all done you’ll be released.” He turned to leave but one of the guards handed him something.

“Oh yes, I almost forgot.”

He turned and walked towards Vincent, offering him the bundle. Vincent took it and unwrapped the blanket.

“Your son.”

Vincent gazed at the baby and hugged him tightly.

“He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” He choked through tear-filled eyes.

Clarence turned to leave again.

“Hang on. Where’s Nancy?”

Clarence looked at his wristwatch.

“Probably in a pie by now.”

“WHAT?!?”

“I’m joking; they taste awful, we checked. She’s probably being taught to do something useful.”

Vincent sat down, holding his son and wept.

Twenty seven years later, on a planet thirteen light years from Earth, Guido sat in the cafe, at the table by the door. He nervously tapped a plastic spoon on his cup. Vincent walked in and sat at the table opposite him.

“Well?” He said.

The end.

https://viewauthor.at/AaronDavid